August 18, 2003
pops.
paternal relationship examination time.
so my dad's filipino. i am to a decidedly lesser degree. let's start from there.
as of late i've been dwelling upon the fact that there's not really much in the way of pleasant conversation between my father and myself. after some reflection i've also found that i selfishly crave that capacity for comfortable, casual chatter that i observe between countless other children and their paps. the only real communication that seems to occur is via my father's long and winding monologues, prompted only by some horrible misdemeanor on my part, usually rather caustic, but always at least subversively hopeful in nature. it was through these scolding/advice sessions that i truly came to know my father. while perhaps not the ideal medium of communication, it was communication nonetheless. there was little for us to discuss otherwise, as we have a limited roster of shared interests, he remains busier with work than i am with school, and while he wields a confident fluency in the english language, it would seem as if i'll never be able to converse with him in his native tongue. given this, i can't help but conclude that my history of socially unacceptable and oftentimes inappropriately offensive and authority-rejecting behavior was set into motion at least partially by this lure of my father's lectures, at least on a subconscious level. a part of me craved my father's attention, and despite my early history of accomplishment, my father rarely congratulated me personally, opting instead to proudly recant my achievements to his friends and family, a beautiful gesture, but one which hardly satiated my need for my dad's attention. concurrently, i found myself unable to spark an earnest conversation with my father, for fear of being refused or for some other unreasonable contrivance of intimidation. so, quite simply, i found ways to attract my father's notice, which sadly ended up being rather negative in nature. from middle school on, my parents were called to school to discuss my behavior as often as they were called upon to bring attention to my academic accolades. as straining as i imagine this was on my parents, i had little to no conscious awareness of their stress, and some part of me grew strangely content with these arrangements.
looking back, it was wrong of me to exploit my father's concern in this manner, with complete and utter disregard for the burden i continued to pile upon my parents' weary shoulders. i grew shiftless, unmotivated, a textbook underachiever. prostrated as i continued to waste my potential, my parents as recently as this summer began to lose hope. and then it hit me: my petty histrionicism was not only a waste of my efforts, but a malignant and deplorable hurt to those who cared most for me, brought upon solely by my own childish needs to be heard. since then i've worked to change my character, but i've all too often found myself sidetracked. but after a telling confrontation with my parents last night, i've adopted a new modus operandi. i've grown tired of the substandard communications i've had with my father. though i made this promise in regards to my school career a few months ago, i am done with my policy of half-truths and insincerity. no longer will i be too hampered by doubt to approach my father, and as unsatisfyingly limited our communications may be, i vow to make the most of what we have.
and ultimately, despite our countless differences in opinion and inability to converse on a normal level, my father supports me. for that i respect him, and for that i love him. as much as we argue and as much as we disagree, my dad is a genuinely good guy. while i may not idolize him in the same way i did as a five-year-old, i still hope to one day possess that capacity to forgive, to love. wow, i'm such a sap.
this entry was for me. i needed to get some things out. sorry if you're disinterested, but i feel better for having said so. look forward for some further family reflection. or don't, considering no one reads this. oh well. peace out.
so my dad's filipino. i am to a decidedly lesser degree. let's start from there.
as of late i've been dwelling upon the fact that there's not really much in the way of pleasant conversation between my father and myself. after some reflection i've also found that i selfishly crave that capacity for comfortable, casual chatter that i observe between countless other children and their paps. the only real communication that seems to occur is via my father's long and winding monologues, prompted only by some horrible misdemeanor on my part, usually rather caustic, but always at least subversively hopeful in nature. it was through these scolding/advice sessions that i truly came to know my father. while perhaps not the ideal medium of communication, it was communication nonetheless. there was little for us to discuss otherwise, as we have a limited roster of shared interests, he remains busier with work than i am with school, and while he wields a confident fluency in the english language, it would seem as if i'll never be able to converse with him in his native tongue. given this, i can't help but conclude that my history of socially unacceptable and oftentimes inappropriately offensive and authority-rejecting behavior was set into motion at least partially by this lure of my father's lectures, at least on a subconscious level. a part of me craved my father's attention, and despite my early history of accomplishment, my father rarely congratulated me personally, opting instead to proudly recant my achievements to his friends and family, a beautiful gesture, but one which hardly satiated my need for my dad's attention. concurrently, i found myself unable to spark an earnest conversation with my father, for fear of being refused or for some other unreasonable contrivance of intimidation. so, quite simply, i found ways to attract my father's notice, which sadly ended up being rather negative in nature. from middle school on, my parents were called to school to discuss my behavior as often as they were called upon to bring attention to my academic accolades. as straining as i imagine this was on my parents, i had little to no conscious awareness of their stress, and some part of me grew strangely content with these arrangements.
looking back, it was wrong of me to exploit my father's concern in this manner, with complete and utter disregard for the burden i continued to pile upon my parents' weary shoulders. i grew shiftless, unmotivated, a textbook underachiever. prostrated as i continued to waste my potential, my parents as recently as this summer began to lose hope. and then it hit me: my petty histrionicism was not only a waste of my efforts, but a malignant and deplorable hurt to those who cared most for me, brought upon solely by my own childish needs to be heard. since then i've worked to change my character, but i've all too often found myself sidetracked. but after a telling confrontation with my parents last night, i've adopted a new modus operandi. i've grown tired of the substandard communications i've had with my father. though i made this promise in regards to my school career a few months ago, i am done with my policy of half-truths and insincerity. no longer will i be too hampered by doubt to approach my father, and as unsatisfyingly limited our communications may be, i vow to make the most of what we have.
and ultimately, despite our countless differences in opinion and inability to converse on a normal level, my father supports me. for that i respect him, and for that i love him. as much as we argue and as much as we disagree, my dad is a genuinely good guy. while i may not idolize him in the same way i did as a five-year-old, i still hope to one day possess that capacity to forgive, to love. wow, i'm such a sap.
this entry was for me. i needed to get some things out. sorry if you're disinterested, but i feel better for having said so. look forward for some further family reflection. or don't, considering no one reads this. oh well. peace out.
Posted by raw on August 18, 2003 at 03:36 AM | 6 korean girls